Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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