I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
