dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
