ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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