Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
