Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
