I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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