How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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