Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
