he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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