Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
