Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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