Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
