Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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