I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize