here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
