i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
