I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
