Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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