So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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