I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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