I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
