I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
