she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
