Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
