just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
