so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
