I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize