true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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