well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
