In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he thought i was a dude.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Come on in and take your pants off
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