Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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