So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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