I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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