Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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