finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize