did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
