I met the friendliest cop last night
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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