No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
