fuck your aforementioned shoe
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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