I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
