Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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