If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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