I want to walk on stilts...naked
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
