A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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