Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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