why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
