I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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