Please, let me fuck your mom
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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