Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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