every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
