I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
