I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
