I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
