Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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