1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
