I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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