So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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