i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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