My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
